it's not the media, it's me.

Don't worry I'm not going to subject you to every single day of my childhood, or even every day of my disorder.  I mean, who has that kind of time?  But for now I'm still going to write about when I was young.

People constantly blame the media for eating disorders, or at least for giving children the impression that they have to look thin or like the actors/models.  It wasn't that way for me.  I didn't read fashion magazines  though  I did watch TV and movies.  Or course I noticed that the women were thin (and I liked how they looked)  I truly don't think that was a driving force.   Clothing designers on the other hand,  they screwed me up. That's probably not fair either- but nothing fit me!  

I remember shopping at the 5-7-9 store, which at the time I thought was a store for people who didn't fit into regular sizes.  It's certainly not that now, but someone told me that back then.  Now I guess it's just a store for juniors and that's why the sizes are odd numbers... Anyway, as long as they had it in black,  I was excited that I could fit into something  at that store (in a size 0 or 1) but often I couldn't.  I couldn't because pants were not made for people with my shape.   No matter how thin I was, I always had thighs and a butt that weren't in proportion to the clothing. The thighs and butt were too tight and the waist was too large.   So no matter how large the waist was I never saw myself as a good shape, or a small enough shape because of my "HUGE" thighs.   Now it's supposedly a good thing to have a shapely bottom half, and they make clothing that fits me sometimes, but you would still be surprised at the amount of things that don't.    

For example as I mentioned in my last post, I've lost some weight.  Just recently, I went to buy a t-shirt I liked very much, and I thought hey, I might be a small or a medium.  Sadly, the only size that fit was an extra large.  WHAT?  How can that possibly be good for people in general, let alone people like me?

I could rant on about this forever, and cite so many examples that I personally have experienced, but that won't change anything out there.  I suppose that I/we just have to try to ignore sizes/numbers if at all possible- but, it's hard.  Much harder than looking at impossibly skinny women (many probably suffering from disorders themselves) in magazines. 

Yesterday I tried not to weigh myself, today I'm going to try not to try on every item of clothing in my closet to see how they fit.